Mortality

The last few months have inclined me, more than usual, to ruminate upon the possibility of my own death.  I increasingly have a feeling that my remaining lifetime may be considerably shorter than I once hoped (there are a variety of reasons for this, which I prefer not to discuss).  Most recently, of course, there is the war in Ukraine -- creating the ever-present possibility that some error or emotional decision by either Putin or Biden might lead to the direct involvement of NATO forces in combat with the Russians, which in turn would likely lead to an all-out nuclear exchange which would kill me along with almost everyone else in the US, Russia, and Europe.

Thoughts of one's death inevitably inspire an assessment of one's life.  How have I done?  Have I made worthy use of the gift of existence in this world?

Like everyone, I have made my share of mistakes.  Yet I believe that on the whole the balance is very much positive.

I have had plenty of good experiences, in relationships with people and in traveling to various parts of the world.

I have approached life with an open mind and have learned, I believe, much more than most people do, even those with similar opportunities.

I've used such abilities as I have to attack religion in every way I could.

I have avoided developing the kind of cold, judgmental, compassionless personality which is increasingly common these days (especially among the ostentatiously religious, ironically enough), despite early in my life being inclined to ideologies which foster such traits.

I did right by the person who meant the most to me during the last nine years of her life, when she truly needed me the most, however difficult it so often was.  I will always know that I successfully met the most important challenge I have ever faced, or ever will face, even if I live to be a thousand.

After decades of effort I can truly say that I have learned to live on my own terms, relying on my own judgment, not in thrall to the criticisms and standards of others.  A life lived on terms set by others is not worth living at all.

I hope, of course, that my life does continue a great deal longer (and remember, living to be a thousand is not entirely out of the question).  I would like to see what humanity's continued progress brings, and what discoveries await us in the various realms of science.  I want to be here when we learn, finally, whether there are other self-aware minds out among the stars, or a tenantless cosmos awaits humanity's own future expansion.

But however my story ends, I will be able to say with confidence that I have not done badly.