A few jokes for the day

Other bloggers regularly post such collections, so I thought I'd dust off a few old groaners I've got lying around.....

A nervous passenger on a cruise ship asked the captain, "Do ships like this sink very often?"  The captain said, "No, only once."

A New Yorker was showing a Texan visitor around his state.  However, he grew frustrated because no matter what he showed him, the Texan merely commented, "We've got a bigger one in Texas."  Finally he took his visitor to see Niagara Falls, and said, "You haven't got a bigger one of those in Texas, have you!"  The Texan replied, "Nah, but we've got a plumber who could fix that leak in ten minutes."

(When I was in Houston I saw a sign that said "Texas State Aquarium" and I wondered if that's what Texans call the Gulf of Mexico.)

I've always wanted to procrastinate, but somehow I just never got around to it.

There are three kinds of people in the world -- those who are good with numbers and those who aren't.

A city man walking in the countryside decided to take a shortcut through a fenced field, so he hopped over the fence and started across.  Halfway across the field, he noticed that there was a bull in it, which made him nervous.  He also noticed the farmer standing just outside the fence and watching him.  He called out, "Hey -- is that bull safe?"  The farmer called back, "Yep, he's perfectly safe.  Not so sure about you, though."

A candidate who had been way behind in the polls unexpectedly won the election.  A reporter asked him, "Nobody expected you to win -- how did you do it?"  The candidate replied, "I got hold of a couple of insects -- weevils, specifically -- and leased them out to a friend of mine."  The reporter was baffled.  "How would that help you win an election?"  The candidate said, "The voters always choose the lessor of two weevils."

The meeting between the leaders of the two rival Kurdish factions was going badly.  The two men kept yelling angrily at each other, and no one could make them stop.  Finally a veteran diplomat was brought in to try to end the argument.  He entered the room and held up a bone, and instantly both Kurdish leaders fell silent.  An aide asked the diplomat how he had done it.  The diplomat replied, "Haven't you ever heard of stilling two Kurds with one bone?"

Two necrophiles were walking past a morgue and one said to the other, "You feel like stopping in for a few cold ones?"

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"See you again next month."

A Buddhist monk approached a hot-dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."  So the vendor made him a hot dog with everything.  The monk paid with a $20 bill.  After a minute he said, "Hey, man, where's my change?"  The vendor replied, "Change must come from within."