02 July 2020

A few jokes for the day

Other bloggers regularly post such collections, so I thought I'd dust off a few old groaners I've got lying around.....

A nervous passenger on a cruise ship asked the captain, "Do ships like this sink very often?"  The captain said, "No, only once."

A New Yorker was showing a Texan visitor around his state.  However, he grew frustrated because no matter what he showed him, the Texan merely commented, "We've got a bigger one in Texas."  Finally he took his visitor to see Niagara Falls, and said, "You haven't got a bigger one of those in Texas, have you!"  The Texan replied, "Nah, but we've got a plumber who could fix that leak in ten minutes."

(When I was in Houston I saw a sign that said "Texas State Aquarium" and I wondered if that's what Texans call the Gulf of Mexico.)

I've always wanted to procrastinate, but somehow I just never got around to it.

There are three kinds of people in the world -- those who are good with numbers and those who aren't.

A city man walking in the countryside decided to take a shortcut through a fenced field, so he hopped over the fence and started across.  Halfway across the field, he noticed that there was a bull in it, which made him nervous.  He also noticed the farmer standing just outside the fence and watching him.  He called out, "Hey -- is that bull safe?"  The farmer called back, "Yep, he's perfectly safe.  Not so sure about you, though."

A candidate who had been way behind in the polls unexpectedly won the election.  A reporter asked him, "Nobody expected you to win -- how did you do it?"  The candidate replied, "I got hold of a couple of insects -- weevils, specifically -- and leased them out to a friend of mine."  The reporter was baffled.  "How would that help you win an election?"  The candidate said, "The voters always choose the lessor of two weevils."

The meeting between the leaders of the two rival Kurdish factions was going badly.  The two men kept yelling angrily at each other, and no one could make them stop.  Finally a veteran diplomat was brought in to try to end the argument.  He entered the room and held up a bone, and instantly both Kurdish leaders fell silent.  An aide asked the diplomat how he had done it.  The diplomat replied, "Haven't you ever heard of stilling two Kurds with one bone?"

Two necrophiles were walking past a morgue and one said to the other, "You feel like stopping in for a few cold ones?"

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"See you again next month."

A Buddhist monk approached a hot-dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."  So the vendor made him a hot dog with everything.  The monk paid with a $20 bill.  After a minute he said, "Hey, man, where's my change?"  The vendor replied, "Change must come from within."


Blogger Ranch Chimp said...

Good for a few laughs, for sure ... I got some laughs here. Hey, if you may recall (it wasn't a joke though, but funny ... you were on a train/ cart touring NASA space center with me one day (Clear Lake/ Houston), the tour guide was giving a rundown on some of the rockets/ crafts around the grounds ... there was a Saturn V rocket I believe, intact, a lady next to us, said that the guide said something like it never left the ground or whatever. It sounded silly at the time, because of course it never took off, because it wouldn't have been there, fresh paint and all.

I been to Niagara Falls a couple times and the Skylon Tower outdoor observation deck next to it (actually smoked a joint up there while viewing the falls). At ground the ground level of the falls, though, I was standing on the guard rail one day leaning over watching the falls ... someone told me not to lean over it like that, because it's hypnotic, and can make you lose balance and fall into it, telling me it happened to others. I don't really know if that's true or not, but I changed my position after they told me. Weird thing about it, when you're right up close on it, it is so loud of roar from the falling water ... that you have to yell loud at the person next to you, to even be able to hear each other talk. They also have a tour boat at the bottom of the falls, that will take you right into the mist, they give you hooded raincoats to wear. I have met folks that didn't even know that Niagara Falls was in NY, or even Buffalo being in NY. Some folks think that NY is only a bunch of buildings and city ... but it has hundreds of miles of beautiful forests, mountains, very clear water streams and rivers, and much more ... I been all over the state.

I'm not good at making jokes, most I know are old, and bore people ... but I just find alot of everyday things to be funny. Example ... a buddy of mine, his older brother's daughter came home with a black boyfriend one day, and they started going steady, his brother didn't like it (being his daughter), mom didn't mind, but dad thought it wasn't right to mix, but didn't tell his daughter how he felt, and let it slide. But me and his brother were getting a laugh out of his reaction, and whining about it. Anywayz, her and the boyfriend broke up after a few months for some reason between them (not influenced by her dad, because she didn't know a thing about how her dad felt). Her dad, was so happy and relieved when she and her boyfriend broke up ... I guess hoping she would find a white guy, and have kids or whatever {:-) About a year later ... she found a new mate, her new mate was white, but was a woman ... heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh {:-) ... her dad was once again whining to his friends, because now she's a lesbian, and he wont's get no grandkids (I couldn't help laughing). I found out last week when I recieved an invitation, that they were getting married down in Waxahachie last weekend (south of Dallas). I declined to go to the wedding, because of COVID, didn't want to take a chance ... my buddy attended (the brother, but he's also pro same sex marraige, unlike his older brother), and wore a mask at his niece's wedding, but told me that he and only a couple others wore masks, and there was about 100 people at it. He told me her dad didn't want to look when she kissed her bride ... heh, heh, heh, heh, heh {:-)

02 July, 2020 06:50  
Blogger Ranch Chimp said...

Link below of the falls from Skylon obsevation deck .... beautiful view


02 July, 2020 07:00  
Blogger Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Silly! I loved the dad jokes.
Also, I like your sense of humor....


02 July, 2020 07:56  
Blogger Mike said...

Some nice ones here. Some I've not heard in a while. Couple of new ones for me. And too bad I can't steal them and use them Saturday. Maybe I'll just link back here. Probably not. I'm really good at procrastination. I practice all the time.

02 July, 2020 08:58  
Blogger W. Hackwhacker said...

In my mind, I heard a rimshot after each one!

02 July, 2020 10:07  
Blogger Debra She Who Seeks said...


02 July, 2020 10:28  
Blogger ObxRex said...

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

02 July, 2020 11:15  
Blogger Tommykey said...

Procrastinators of the world unite...when they get around to it!

02 July, 2020 16:36  
Anonymous Mozgi Sobakye said...

The numbers joke reminded me of this one.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know binary and those who don't.

02 July, 2020 19:14  
Blogger Mary Kirkland said...

A couple of those made me laugh. I kinda needed a laugh today so thanks for that.

03 July, 2020 09:43  
Blogger yellowdoggranny said...

I needed that laugh

03 July, 2020 18:33  
Blogger dellgirl said...

Three kinds of people in the world, huh? This is a good one, gave me a good chuckle. These are funny, just the thing to end a Friday night. Thanks for the laughs.

Happy 4th of July! Wishing you all the best, Stay Safe!

03 July, 2020 20:22  
Blogger Martha said...

HAHA! These were fun. We all need a good laugh these days!

06 July, 2020 04:11  

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