Over the last couple of weeks those feelings have grown stronger than, I would say, any other time in the last twelve years. Even through the eyes of starkly rational assessment, sometimes making an end to things has appeared as the sanest and best option.
(I do, at least, have the benefit of not being at all religious. If I were religious, it's likely I would have done it some time ago.)
I would ask that readers not attempt to prescribe "solutions". There are major aspects of my situation you do not know because I have not mentioned them here. If an option seems obvious to you, be assured that it is just as obvious to me, while you cannot know all the obstacles and limitations that I face. More broadly, I am 100% done with being judged and told what I "should" do by people who are not me. I have regular access to a professional counselor who has years of experience dealing with my specific situation and understands it in great detail, and also has extensive knowledge of issues like clinical depression, the effects of past emotional trauma, and various forms of therapy and medication. What humanly can be done, is being done.
Nor am I asking for special sympathy. There are many people in the blogosphere who face difficult personal challenges, some worse than mine. I raise this to clarify some background which is necessary to understanding the frame of mind in which I have been operating, and which may make my attitudes and responses in certain situations more comprehensible. And, yes, to make readers aware that this is a decision I may actually make at some point. If so, please know that it was made rationally and after consideration of all relevant factors. While I have never claimed to be entirely sane, I am fully able to assess problems in a rational and organized way while identifying and filtering out the effects of transient urges, wishful thinking, and self-catalyzing mood swings. I do not make major decisions impulsively.
For now, I am making the best of things. But this is part of who I am and what I am dealing with.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your openness to write about this. While end of life decisions have been taboo in many religious circles, privately many think about it when faced with health or other personal issues. I do wish that it was more openly discussed and options were more available for those in need.
I wish you wisdom and wise counsel as you face your own future.
I'm hoping this reaches you. While I don't comment often, I do stop here daily. You have value. As a person, and a human being. You would be missed more than you could know. I know because of what you post that you're a decent human being and I for one, would miss what you post here for us to read and think upon. I hope that you find a reason to keep brightening our days with your thoughts and inspirations.
ReplyDeleteSeeing how I have felt that way several times and more often since my late husband passed away 4 years ago, I can understand. I won't offer you any solutions for I have none but just know if you ever just want someone to talk to I'm here.
ReplyDeleteInfidel, I am greatly saddened to hear of your struggles with this. I have some idea of how all-consuming this can become. I struggled continuously for nearly the last decade of our twenty-five years together with my late wife to simply keep her alive. I was able to prevent multiple suicide attempts she made until the last time. I don't know what your family situation is, but this was utterly devastating to my children, my wife's parents, siblings, friends, and of course me. 11 years later I still suffer with nightmares from that horrific night.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, you have a keen mind and your thoughts, wisdom, and quirky sense of humor on many issues is sorely needed. I cannot say that I understand your pain or what you are going through, but having been a person that lost a loved one because of this, I can absolutely say that I have great empathy for you and your situation.
You do not have to publish this comment if you so choose, but please know that I give a damn and the world would be far less without you in it, sir. I always look forward to your writing, even if I don't always comment. You do make a difference in this life.
I'm sorry to read this Infidel. You've been a great source of inspiration and support for me and I'm sorry that you have been struggling with this for so long. I'm not in your shoes and don't presume to have any answers. I believe you when you say you are a rational actor. I just want to make sure you know that you've been the most valuable reader of my blog. I think some of my closest friends are as interested in what you have to say on a topic that I've written about as what I have to say.
ReplyDeleteSo often you've challenged me and made me think beyond my original thesis. Often when I'm writing, I think about how you will view and respond to my post.
I take you at your word that you won't act rashly but nonetheless, I'd hate to have to say goodbye. Whether you raise my spirits by leaving a comment on my future posts or I never hear from you again (which I hope is not the case), you will remain in my thoughts and I can't thank you enough. Truly and sincerely.
There can really be no comments or advice from others, especially those that do not know you, know about your prior life, your philosophy on life, your health or other problems that affect you differently than they might someone else.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks down to, you should be free to do what you feel is best and only you know what, if anything can keep you still wanting to continue.
I’m not depressed or religious, but just for me, it would boil down to am I really ready to not exist for all time ever again or not just yet. I wish you peace of mind and clarity. Mary
First off, I apologize for the delay in posting all your comments. Today was a work day and I can't do blogging stuff at the office.
ReplyDeleteJohn: It was not easy to write about this. However, I'd reached the point where not writing about it felt like concealing something. It's true that it is a taboo topic for many, but for me it has sometimes just been a question of method. For example, there have been times when I got close to becoming homeless, though it never actually happened. I wouldn't survive a week living on the street, so if I were indeed to end up like that, I'd prefer to choose my own way of leaving the world.
Seafury: Thank you very much for the kind words. It means a lot. I have often had the feeling that I would not be missed much. As long as I'm still here, I certainly intend to keep writing and trying to make the case for what I believe in.
Mary K: Thank you. From your "Everyone has a story" posts, I know your life has been more traumatic and filled with shocks than mine has. I'm not surprised at all that you've suffered from some of the same feelings. It's inspirational that you've chosen to keep going.
Darrell: I appreciate the kind words. Since you've had the experience of struggling to take care of someone increasingly dependent, and facing the void a death leaves behind, I believe you know that aspect of it. The sense of loss never seems to fade.
ReplyDeleteThe writing may have actually kept me going for the last few years, more than anything else. It's something I can do which I feel has value and enables me to perhaps make some difference in the world.
Carol: It means a lot to me to hear this. Your blog is certainly among my favorites and I look forward to your posts because they are so well-thought-out and crafted. You're one of the people I wish it were possible to meet in person. It's too bad the huge size of the country makes that impractical for most internet acquaintances.
I certainly would not act rashly, and I would never welcome leaving everything behind. It would only happen if the alternatives implicit in staying were even worse.
Mary: It is a daunting thought, knowing that nonexistence is almost certainly irrevocable. But your other point is an important one -- my self-determination is critically important to me. I have to know that my decisions about such vital things are mine alone.
Again, it is moving to see the encouragement you all have offered here. I wish I were able to respond better, but it's been an exhausting week. This work environment is a lot pleasanter than the last one, but the job itself is very high-intensity. Thank you all again.
You never know, my travels take me far and wide--especially with two kids now at opposite ends of this massive country.
DeleteThat's a hopeful thought.
DeleteI had not seen this post, I have been doing the 'look at the computer and dash' thing for a few days due to some stuff happening with my mom and other issues which are irrelevant, just haven't been on much.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're being hit with these feelings. I hope you can find a path out of what's dark and find reasons to keep going. But as was said up there, you do have the right to do what you need to do, even though we're not encouraged to think that way. I've had some darkness and idle thoughts, sometimes not so idle that it would just be so much... easier to not keep slogging. I don't think we talk about stuff enough as a society. If someone says they're thinking of ending it, people freak out and it causes them an inability to *listen* to what the person needs. You have my email if you want to vent. I don't give advice,most of the time even when someone asks me. Hope you find some peace in your soul soon.
It is your choice. Please stay with us for a little while longer, we still could use your help. Or maybe some eagle will drop a tortoise on your head, thinking it was a rock, and this whole conversation will not be relevant.
ReplyDeleteMay the dark angel pass over you.
ReplyDeleteI have suicidal thoughts from time to time but clearly not with the same intensity and urgency as yourself. But if life is treating you so badly that the only solution seems to be putting an end to it, then yes, that's your decision and other people's well-meaning advice is irrelevant. I'm just sorry that you find life so bleak and unrewarding.
ReplyDeleteAmi: Thank you. That's a big part of it -- a weariness with the need to "keep slogging". I don't want to have to keep on struggling through life, especially since there's no reason to think it will ever get any better. You are certainly right that a lot of people are bad at listening and think they know my situation better than I do.
ReplyDeleteRichard: I must say, death by plummeting tortoise is not one of the options I had considered.
Anon: I was hoping the dark angel would pass away (in both senses).
Nick: I'm sorry to hear that you too have those feelings. But, yes, when there is so little else, I insist on keeping my autonomy and self-determination, at least.
About the only rewarding thing in my life right now is the blog. It increasingly feels that that's not enough.
Sending love. I understand. And send love.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It helps.
DeleteI've yearned for that "long sleep" off and on for decades. I've even given much thought to the ways to accomplish it. However, I'm too chicken to actually follow through. When I ran across an article about "passive" suicidal ideation recently, it helped me to understand myself a little more. I think a person who commits suicide is NOT a coward, as society says.
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't fear being called a coward, and society can go screw itself. Society has never shown any sign of giving a damn about me.
DeleteIf your research into methods came up with anything painless but not instantaneous, I'd be interested in hearing from you. I've found it a difficult topic to research.
You know, I do have a phone number. I can drive all night to get to you from AZ. Just let me know. You are not an expendable. Got that . . .
ReplyDeleteThank you. I think I'm past the worst of this, for now.
Delete